I can still smell the summer air on my grandparents farm. The wind in my face as I sat on their porch and the feeling in my heart as I played in my own “purple room”. 

Two months ago at my grandads funeral ( my dads -dad) , I ate lunch with my Papa (my moms dad) and had no idea it would be the last time we would laugh together. 

And yesterday morning when I got up, I had no idea that it had been our last night with our sweet Macy. Loss is so hard, its so broken, such a reminder that this is not our home. 
My family has had a wave of losses over the past 4 months and its been so hard and sad to navigate how its impacted each heart. Both my grandpas and now our beloved Macy. 

Its easy on social media to see the snippets but not see the tears at bedtime as our hearts break over the voids left behind. The conversations as we process and the deep sadness to watch people you love hurt. 

Maybe even more than that just the reminder of the brokenness.

I believe that God grieves with us. 

Often I believe we either feel the pressure from something inside ourselves or even an unspoken pressure from others that we need to be okay. And in that we often tuck away hurt, heartbreaking experiences, even sin and we mask it with “we are good.”

Chris and I have been saying over and over- its okay to be sad- its an absence and a hurt. Aiden said last night we have a scar on our hearts now. and I know as I’ve watched my parents grieve, there is a shift in what matters in our hearts. 

When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece…. then, when you are finally put back together… you’re different. The scars are a constant reminder of not only what was lost but also what all you have to lose. Opportunities to press in and live the way you want to with no regrets. Loving fiercely and cherishing those that mean everything to you. Not missing out. 

You can love differently. Better.
Because you know it’s fragile.

Life. It’s a gift.
A gift to be cherished, celebrated, adored.

Sweet Macy.. She’s been through so much with us. She laid by Aiden through all his painful days with HSP, was by my side as we were losing babies and my heart kept breaking. She has been there for my kiddos and she’s been by Chris side before we even got married. She’s been faithful and loyal and kind and precious. 

We miss you Macy, you were with us before our family was “us”- we only know our family with you here. Thank you for what you gave us. 


June 21, 2018


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