You my baby boy have given me 5 years of firsts.
With you, in some ways, I will always be a first time mama. I’ve experienced it all with you. The first moments of motherhood that gripped my soul and forever changed me. The soul searching, the finding myself. You have had my heart from the first second. It’s always been yours sweet Aiden.
I can still close my eyes and take myself back to holding a curled up newborn Aiden, all nuzzled against my neck. The smell of milk and baby breath close by. Teeny fingers tangled in my hair and a the warm feeling of him slumped on my chest.
I have experienced 5 years of a battle with open hands. A war that wages my mama soul. Desperately wanting to hold you tight yet learning to slowly loosen the grip and watch you soar. I dance with the questions, have I soaked it in enough? Have I loved you the biggest and boldest way possible? Have I taught you everything you need to know as I watch you walk through those Kindergarten doors?
When you were first born I would rock you and sing to you in the night and cry thinking about this day. I knew my heart would be gripped tight and with a lump in my throat I would watch the back of your blonde curls turn towards the classroom, my fingers slowly ungrasping the hold.
Look out for others.
Up until this moment you have been at home learning from us. With us. We’ve skipped bedtimes, we’ve snuggled, read books, we have made muffins and caught snakes. We have made forts out of blankets, talked about everything under the sun and loved big.
Next week you go.
Next week I watch my first born, baby boy soar.
I love you A.