( I wrote this late Tuesday night )
Two babies lost. Two babies in heaven. Two heartbreaks.
I never thought I would say that, that was never a reality I wanted to be real for me. The thought of it being three or four is almost overwhelming. The unknown, the many lingering questions… they can be paralyzing. Ten weeks & two days and we lost our sweet one. Tonight, tonight she is still in me.
Safe and nestled in my womb…but tomorrow, tomorrow I will have surgery. I will walk down a long, sad hall & lay down on a table. The same looking table that I lay down on for a c.section, wearing the same gown, with the same IV in my arm. Yet this time, this time
I will go to sleep and wake up empty.
The grim, heartbreaking reality of tomorrow could be suffocating but somehow God is overwhelming me with a peace that everything is going to be okay. It is. I saw Him redeem my loss before. He gave me my heartbeat, my sweet Apple girl. I feel completely surrounded with a village of love. I have had a beautiful peace all week and went into our appointment today almost certain of the news we would have. I knew God could show His power with this yet I had a peace that this is how it would go. I don’t understand. I don’t have to understand, I just need to trust. I can’t even begin to imagine my life without Apple so when it hurts, I think of her…my rainbow angel baby.
Nothing can bring me to tears quicker than thinking about Addison being there when I get to heaven and me instantly recognizing him. Knowing someone I love so deeply is already there waiting for me. Now to imagine a daughter there as well, someone with him. It’s heartbreaking, heart wrenching and beautiful all in one.
I want to continue to be a voice to the lost. To the hurting. Whether it be 4 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks, whether you have children or not, whether it is your first loss or your fourth, whether you chose names or not… your tears need to be recognized and your spirits need to be encouraged.
Annabelle means beautiful, loving, lovable, graceful.
The same way I wanted to honor Addison’s short 12 week life, I want to honor hers.
Her life was like a whisper. A gentle, quiet reminder of the preciousness in life. God’s presence carrying me every step of the way. A soft spoken word that carries the weight of the world.
I am a believer in life. I cherish it, I celebrate it and I love it fiercely. Knowing a little person that was us…half me, half him left this earth so quickly is so heavy. A piece of us brought together for always…maybe not in this world, but surely in the next.
I love you baby girl. You are everything to us.
“BEHOLD, CHILDREN ARE A HERITAGE FROM THE LORD, THE FRUIT OF THE WOMB IS A REWARD. LIKE ARROWS IN THE HAND OF A WARRIOR, SO ARE THE CHILDREN OF ONE’S YOUTH.HAPPY IS THE MAN WHO HAS HIS QUIVER FULL OF THEM; THEY SHALL NOT BE ASHAMED, BUT SHALL SPEAK WITH THEIR ENEMIES IN THE GATE”