losing myself.

On March 30, 2011 I wrote a blog post where we were stepping out on faith. Chris was walking away from his job to pursue a freelance career in film, building his own production company. We had no money in the bank, no help from anyone, no security, no savings and we felt through various things happening that God was specifically asking us to do this. Chris quit and within 2 weeks, down to the dollar he was provided freelance jobs that paid for the equipment that he would need to build his company. He took on clients like RedBull, Tony Parker, Dickie’s & McDonalds. He has exceeded our expectations and hope for his company.

About a month ago or so ago I went to dinner with a good friend and said to her, what if my life isn;t supposed to look like what I always envisioned it to? What if I am supposed to let that go? How do you avoid just getting sucked into this stream and life that might not be meant for you? What if it is falling into place for everyone around you and you are being called to hand it back?

I wasn’t even sure what all that meant, I just had things stirring inside me. Last Sunday we heard a sermon on God’s will in our life and it rocked me to my core. Something I have struggled with in the past few years is who am I? What do I stand for? What is it exactly that I believe? Believe (not in my faith but beliefs on my world view and the principals that I stand on). Things that I thought that I was confident in were tested. I apologized for pieces of my story that needed no apology and through untruths I started to wonder where exactly I fit?

Today I stand unashamed. There is no better place in the world than to be confident you are standing in the midst of God’s will for your life. Sunday morning Chris and I walked out of the doors of church with wind under our wings because we could feel it building, something was about to happen again. This is how He works with us. The Bible shows time and time again He has favor with those that walk in faith. We want that. We want faith and His direction. I can stand confident today because He is moving in my life, actively and uncoincidentally.

The truth is, I always thought that I would have a certain life. Live in a certain city, send my kids to certain schools, have this life that I pictured and yesterday I let all of that go. The life that I thought we were working towards, I with no sadness or bitterness…with completely open hands,  handed back.

I have so many huge changes and things to share about what this next year holds for us. I guess in a way I am processing through them each at a time and excited to share them over the next few months.

Here is to open hands always.



June 20, 2014


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