“so uncertain is life that any leavetaking maybe forever. we are never sure that we shall have an opportunity to unsay the angry word and have it forgiven. the only safe way is to make every hours fellowship in the household so sweet that if it should be the last it would be a memory without regret.”
I grabbed his sweet face. Want to know about the morning that I got to meet you for the first time? He smiled. Yes mama. Well, it was 4 weeks early and you decided you were ready to meet me. He cracks a smile again. I sweep the hair across his brow and kneel down close. It’s early in the morning, still dark outside and we are beginning to get ready to leave and go meet new baby Luke.
Well, they cut you out of my tummy and brought you right by my face so I could meet you. I was crying and kissing your sweet little nose over and over. You were so perfect and I promised that moment to always protect you and fight for you and love you fiercely.
That moment changed my life forever.
He starts to get a little teary.
Lately I have been able to pinpoint something about my faith. After I had kids is when I feel like I really had to truly hand over all of my trust to Him truly and completely for the first time. Trusting Him before them was somewhat easy. But now..trusting Him with their lives, trusting Him with my life now as a mother….this was all so intense for me. It made it more real. I have always believed but now handing over my trust in such a vulnerable way made things different. Really letting things I had said and believed since I was a child come to life for me in a whole new way. I was living it. It still is intense for me. I mean having faith was an entire different ballgame after having babies. Little pieces of me now walking around and trusting Him in a way that I never had before.
My fears intensified, my mind wandered, my heart ached.
Suddenly the scary parts of this world were so much more threatening and my inability to control it was staring me in the face. I have to place my control over to Him. I have to truly believe with my whole heart that His plan is better than mine.
My heart started to be torn. How could some of these things happen? How could He allow it?
Then I realized something, maybe it is something that I am still reminding myself. It’s not about me. I mean some of His greatest men were killed in awful ways in the bible. Job’s story alone can make my stomach turn. And that is when I remember that we don’t live in heaven and this is a fallen world. I was never promised a perfect story. and everytime I start to let my stomach turn and head down the road of what ifs…. I have to place over my faith and my trust in Him. Day after day.
I know it’s never really been mine
So do with it whatever You like
I don’t know what Your plan is
But I know it’s good.”