My sweet friend Latonya asked me if I would share a little about pregnancy after loss and I decided to post it here as well. We met last year when Bugaboo sent me to New York for an event and we immediately hit it off. Not too long after she lost her sweet angel at 21 weeks. We talked through it all. It was heartbreaking. Then when she text me to tell me about her precious rainbow baby that is growing inside of her right now I knew instantly the prayers that she would need. The new level of anxiety to walk through a pregnancy after a loss.
When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece…. then, when you are finally put back together… you’re different. The scars are a constant reminder of not only what was lost but also what all you have to lose.
You can love differently. Better.
Because you know it’s fragile.
Life. It’s a gift.
A gift to be cherished, celebrated, adored.
4 little “A’s” still hang from Chris’ necklace. A daily reminder that we have 4 precious babies.
The one who didn’t walk here along side of me, but that one that forever changed my life.
A brief life yet so much meaning.
I often get asked about how my pregnancy with Apple was after our loss. It was terrifying, it was different. The first two I had a clueless confidence, I didn’t realize the fragility of what I had…how it could be gone in an instant with no warning signs. I was glowing and beaming and never for a second thought about anything going wrong before our loss. But with Apple, I carried that. Every sonogram my knees shook in the waiting room, my prayers poured out at night to protect her and keep her with us. I fought fear until the moment she was in my arms.
Not only was Apple our rainbow baby but also a sweet symbol of Hope for me.
A new humility and sensitivity entered my spirit when it came to this subject. As someone before who hadn’t known the struggles of infertility or loss- I didn’t notice what I notice now.
“If you haven’t already gathered, or happen to be reading this blog for the first time in your life, I am a melancholy girl through and through. I find beauty in not only the beautiful things in life, but the bittersweet and sad as well. To me, there is something poignantly lovely about the human experience from its splendor to its grief. God created all our emotions, not just the happy ones, and for His good purposes. That’s why a good cry can feel so good. And hitting our limits forces us to look outside ourselves for a Savior. It is in the plea, when we’re at our end, that we can find that which is truly life-giving. Personally, my moments of deepest grief, deepest pain, have resulted in the most beautiful seasons in my heart. I’ve met God more intimately in those moments than in all the other pleasant ones combined. What isn’t completely lovely about that?” – Leslie from Top of the Page
The thing about heartache is…it changes your perspective on life.
It makes you softer (if you let it), it makes you more understanding (if you let it), it makes you love bigger and makes you more available to relate to others who share in hurt.
I will forever be changed by his life.