My sweet Apple’s first birthday is approaching next month and I have so many thoughts of our pregnancy with her, the longing for her after our loss. The deep desire to have have her.
I needed her. and I longed like crazy for her.
I had started this post a week or so ago and read this post tonight and it stirred so much emotion inside of me. This sentence. Oh my goodness:
I thought to myself, Windland was and is my child, a small spirit that I want to blow a kiss to.
So many times people refer to loss and miscarriage like it wasn’t losing our baby. I grieved that loss so much more intensely than I ever imagined. There was so much rawness and just floods of emotion that surrounded that time. I really can’t describe it.
Whether it is your first loss or your fifth. Whether you have no kids or five kids… it is a terrible, terrible loss that I wish no one ever has to experience.
I never imagined creeping into my second trimester that I would lose our sweet babe.
I never imagined being so embarrassed to admit in my “real life” that I was hurting so bad.
It was so much easier to write about it.
I had a friend lose a baby recently. Every time I hear those words or every time I see an email in my inbox, I can instantly understand what they are going through.
A loss, a death that is so sad and so deep….it truly can’t be described until you are there. I will never forget that day in the sonogram room, the feeling of emptiness.
The drive home.
I remember standing up after the d&c thinking…how can this be?? I had my sweet babe safely in my womb & now it is empty. why???
All those dreams for that sweet babe. All the thoughts and prayers and excitement for that precious life…how can they all be taken so quickly?
I ached after that loss. I wanted to be strong but I ached.
I rejoiced over those two healthy precious babies at home and told myself that if that is all God had for us, I was truly blessed and thankful.
But God had a plan for us. A plan better and different than I would have imagined.
Our sweet Appie.
That pregnancy was so different. It was so raw, so emotional. I knew what I had to a different degree this time…I knew better this time…I knew how quickly it could be gone and I was going to let myself feel every bit of it.
I let it all flood in and all flood out.
I prayed and sang and talked to and for this sweet one. I cried at sonograms and shook through appointments. I prayed like never before.
I begged for her safety.
And now know it was her all along..my appie.
This sweet one is so precious. Everything about her sweet spirit and sweet self is such a gift. Everyday I rejoice over her sweet sweet life.
I wouldn’t have it any other way. She was supposed to be.
Praise God for sweet redemption and hope.