My sweet Apple’s first birthday is approaching next month and I have so many thoughts of our pregnancy with her, the longing for her after our loss. The deep desire to have have her.
I needed her. and I longed like crazy for her.
I had started this post a week or so ago and read this post tonight and it stirred so much emotion inside of me. This sentence. Oh my goodness:
I thought to myself, Windland was and is my child, a small spirit that I want to blow a kiss to.
So many times people refer to loss and miscarriage like it wasn’t losing our baby. I grieved that loss so much more intensely than I ever imagined. There was so much rawness and just floods of emotion that surrounded that time. I really can’t describe it.
Whether it is your first loss or your fifth. Whether you have no kids or five kids… it is a terrible, terrible loss that I wish no one ever has to experience.
I never imagined creeping into my second trimester that I would lose our sweet babe.
I never imagined being so embarrassed to admit in my “real life” that I was hurting so bad. It was so much easier to write about it.
I had a friend lose a baby recently. Every time I hear those words or every time I see an email in my inbox, I can instantly understand what they are going through.
A loss, a death that is so sad and so deep….it truly can’t be described until you are there. I will never forget that day in the sonogram room, the feeling of emptiness.
The drive home.
I remember standing up after the d&c thinking…how can this be?? I had my sweet babe safely in my womb & now it is empty. why???
All those dreams for that sweet babe. All the thoughts and prayers and excitement for that precious life…how can they all be taken so quickly?
I ached after that loss. I wanted to be strong but I ached.
I rejoiced over those two healthy precious babies at home and told myself that if that is all God had for us, I was truly blessed and thankful.
But God had a plan for us. A plan better and different than I would have imagined. Our sweet Appie.
That pregnancy was so different. It was so raw, so emotional. I knew what I had to a different degree this time…I knew better this time…I knew how quickly it could be gone and I was going to let myself feel every bit of it.
I let it all flood in and all flood out.
I prayed and sang and talked to and for this sweet one. I cried at sonograms and shook through appointments. I prayed like never before. I begged for her safety.
And now know it was her all along..my appie.
This sweet one is so precious. Everything about her sweet spirit and sweet self is such a gift. Everyday I rejoice over her sweet sweet life.
I wouldn’t have it any other way. She was supposed to be.
I am Casey Leigh. I love to share my life through this little blog. When you stop by you can expect pieces of my perspective on life, faith, kids, marriage, loss... with touches of art, creative inspiration, fashion, projects & things I love along the way. My gift to you, our story...