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2013 my life changed.



I had no idea how much my life would change this year. We are only two months in. 
and it has changed. 
forever

I have learned things in the past month that I had never heard before. I literally see the world differently.

For a little bit over two years I have blogged here and some of it has been about fear.

fear vs faith/ me wrestling with God. 
Fearing the worst for my babies. 
Fearing the worst for myself. 
For Chris.

I have cried out with the suffocating realities of this world we reside in. and some days it just about swallowed me. 

About a month ago we strongly felt God pulling us to a new church. We went. and we dove in head first. 

That first Sunday night I landed myself in a class on toddlers and a class on spiritual warfare. 
Three weeks in I sat in the back of a classroom sobbing. 

I was looking down at my paper clenching my jaw in every attempt not to breathe bc I knew with the next inhale the hot tears were coming.

And they came. in front of a class of people. and with a shaky voice at the end of class, I asked if my teacher would meet with me.

God was changing me. 

Last week my sweet teacher (and now friend) came to my house and walked me through some of my fears.
“When fear is controlling you, the spirit of God is not… Fear of the enemy and faith in God are not mutually exclusive.” 

I faced my battles and my fears. I reached way deep down all the way to my 3 year old self and I faced all of it. 
Sometimes allowing yourself to feel things is messy.
and sometimes it’s easier just to occupy your thoughts elsewhere. 
but today I am thankful. I am new and refreshed and today I see the world with new eyes.

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Lifestyle

February 20, 2013

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  1. Aubrey

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:05 am

    so happy for you Casey. It takes a lot of courage to go to dark places that we may have repressed for many years. I hope this is only the beginning for you! xoxo

  2. Darcie Santoyo

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:08 am

    So so happy for you! God is good 🙂

  3. camille yanair

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:12 am

    it'd be cool if you'd give some tips on finding a new church! it is TERRIFYING walking into a church where you don't know anyone! (random, i know 🙂

  4. pistolsnprincesses

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:14 am

    So beautiful. Thank you for your honesty. I've struggled with fear myself and this is a great reminder. I struggled with knowing the difference between cautionary fear and bad fear. A friend reminded me that Jesus came to give us life and set us free and and the devil is here to steal, kill, and destroy. So when my fear is stealing from my life, killing my desire to live fully, or destroying my life I know it's not from God. Be blessed in your freedom.

  5. Charlotte's Mommy

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:14 am

    This is beautiful <3

  6. Charlotte's Mommy

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:14 am

    This is beautiful <3

  7. Alissa Circle

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:15 am

    Love you and love your heart friend!! xoxo

  8. The "Hans-en-fef-ers"

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:19 am

    its a blessing to know that there are people of God to come along side us in our weakness and help us to put off the things of darkness and put on the light of Christ. may the Lord use His perfect Word, His Spirit and His people as tools to grow you in grace! love you and your honesty- thanks

  9. Alexis

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:34 am

    This is so awesome and spoke to my heart on so many different levels.

    It would be awesome if you blogged more about your journey to achieve this freedom.

  10. saturated canary

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Thank you for posting this and other times about your fears. I just identify with this part of you so much. You encourage me a lot everytime you address it, and especially tonight reading how God is changing your heart of fear.

    Love your honesty and vulnerability.
    Xx

  11. stephanie joy

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:48 am

    wow… i can so relate.
    i have so much fear too.
    it's suffocating at times.
    so glad to hear you're getting through it.
    gives me comfort to know!
    xoxo

  12. Chymecindy**

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:49 am

    So inspiring thanks for sharing.

  13. Christine

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Hi Casey,

    Your post really resonated with me. I struggle with the same things. We recently moved to Dallas and are looking for a church and I would love a recommendation.

  14. Anonymous

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:56 am

    Bless you Casey, and your raw writing xxx

  15. Serena

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Your willingness to share and be vulnerable is always amazing! I don't think God is ever quite done with us and it is a beautiful thing to watch how he molds and shapes us from the work we once were!

  16. Anonymous

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:59 am

    Bless you Casey, and your raw writing xx

    And… beautiful photos!! Wow. She is gorgeous, and your camera creativity is a huge inspiration.
    😉

  17. Jess @ SomeSnapshots

    February 20th, 2013 at 6:09 am

    You have such a beautiful spirit & it makes so such moving posts. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

    PS. Can`t believe how much of a little girl Apple is starting to look like! She is so cute!

    http://somesnapshots.wordpress.com/

  18. natalia

    February 20th, 2013 at 6:11 am

    may you truly experience your new freedom!
    praying for the coming days as you face life in a whole new way!
    XO.

  19. Jen | Our Happy Family

    February 20th, 2013 at 6:56 am

    i too identify with this so much every time you write about it. i'm one who just gets paralyzed with fear and overwhelmed with the world. it's always encouraging to read your posts, thank you <3

  20. thechattymommy

    February 20th, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Amen! Thanks for sharing! God is so good!

  21. Melanie Van Wynsberg

    February 20th, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Love it. God is so good to not leave us where we are. He is always pursing and wanting to take us deeper. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.

  22. Melanie Van Wynsberg

    February 20th, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    PS- your little ones are adorable. 🙂

  23. Chandra

    February 20th, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    I don't usually post, but I love your blog. I'm glad you faced your fears. I went through the same journey 4 years ago and my life changed. Good for you for taking the step…enjoy the journey! 🙂

  24. christina

    February 20th, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    praise god! fear is all of the enemy and what a victory and battle you are in and wining.!

    I like to arm myself with scripture and anytime Satan tries to through his lies my way I fight back with the good word 🙂

    "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 1 timothy 1:7

  25. Jessica

    February 20th, 2013 at 2:12 pm

    Beautiful words. It's difficult for most people to publicize these raw, deep down emotions and it's refreshing for the rest of us moms to hear it. Thank you. And of course beautiful baby too!

  26. Hannah Pearson

    February 20th, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Casey,
    While I stumbled upon your blog a few months ago, this is my first time to actually post! I am a fellow Baylor graduate who lives in the DFW area 🙂 My husband and I are expecting our first baby in September. While we love our church, I always love to keep up with other churches who are truly seeking God and discipling His people in the area. What church are y'all attending now? It sounds wonderful!

  27. TL

    February 20th, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Thanks for posting about fears. So many people can identify with you. Most are too afraid to admit. I commend you for being as strong as you have been throughout everything you've gone through. Bless you!

    xo

  28. katy [of] katy loves.

    February 20th, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Oh, lovely friend! This is beautiful. I'm so glad that God led you to this church that is already doing amazing things in your life.

    I have dealt with fear and anxiety for most of my life. I realize, when my anxieties are at my worst, when I feel like people are mad at me who have no reason to be, when I feel down on myself. That's all from the enemy. Even a terrible headache that knocks you down for the day can be from the enemy. Since reading captivating, I've learned to try and pray through it. Some days they go away right away, other days I have to fight harder. It's always going to be a battle. But knowing that? Knowing that we have the tools that we need and a Father God who loves us and is our ultimate bodyguard? Knowing that we are never alone and we have nothing to fear? That's what starts the ultimate change in us. That's when we fight and we become stronger as children of God. We can't do it alone. We need God, we need friends and good people around us who speak truth to us. We need the word.

    I haven't been turning to Him lately as I should be. I go through a roller coaster in my walk with God. Some weeks I'm so consistent in my time with him, other weeks I barely open my bible or pray. I'm in the middle of those down weeks, but you inspire me. Your blog blesses me in so many ways, Casey. God is using you.

    Wow, honestly? I feel like the Lord is just leading these words as I type them. I'm barely thinking them through as I write this out, but I'm hitting publish right now. They need to be said.

    Thank you. Love you, friend!

  29. Mara and Jae

    February 20th, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    i'm so happy that you can be so honest. it's refreshing, honestly. lots of people (bloggers, myself included) sugarcoat things. you are so raw and real and it's inspiring. and how in-tune with the spirit you are is inspiring too.

    love the photos of your sweet baby girl.

  30. Rachel Hiatt

    February 20th, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    I have struggled with fear as well. It is taking time and God, but slowly He is healing me. Excited for you. 🙂 And your baby is adorable!

  31. {annie_loo} @ The Farrar Four

    February 20th, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Maybe your teacher should guest post. She sounds like she's got some good advice. I think I'll plaster that quote up on my wall! THat is good and OH SO TRUE! Fear is my biggest battle. I think that's why so many of your post resonate with me, because we fear so much the same. Keep posting about this class. I enjoy learning along with you!

  32. Heather K.

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this. Those words that your teacher spoke over you are so true and make my heart break into a million pieces… because this is true for my life.

    When I think of fear, I think of love. I think about how perfect love drives out fear… Sometimes it's so hard to keep my eyes on the cross when I'm searching the world for stability.

    Reminds me a lot of Peter walking on water, and keeping our eyes on Christ.

  33. Leah

    February 20th, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Casey, I'm so thankful that you are seeing the world with different eyes! You are too special not to! And that Apple, she's gorgeous, just like her family! 🙂

  34. Jess

    February 20th, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    I am so thankful for what you write. I couldn't even begin to tell you how much your stories have encouraged me. I have dealt with anxiety since I was little. The Lord really got a hold of me last year and brought me to a place where I had to decide what I was going to let me control me. His Love or my fear. I always heard it, but never really learned it.. that the enemy was the one causing this and I was listening and believing lies. I struggled so much with who I was and rarely believing truth. This "When fear is controlling you, the spirit of God is not… Fear of the enemy and faith in God are not mutually exclusive".. I am going to keep this. Such truth. Again thank you for sharing this. I am so, so happy to hear that God has brought you to a new place, I want to shout for joy for you. 🙂

  35. Shasta

    February 20th, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    I'm glad you found a church that is good for you! Thank you for sharing! And your daughter is beautiful.

  36. 17 Perth

    February 20th, 2013 at 6:33 pm

    This is what I call paying it forward. I am crying as I read this. Oh how I can relate to you and how I struggle so deeply and intimately with fear. I cannot tell you how much I love the quote

    "When fear is controlling you, the spirit of God is not… Fear of the enemy and faith in God are not mutually exclusive."

    And you have no idea how much I needed it today. I truly think this was an answered prayer for me. So, thank you. Thank you for posting. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

    I want HIM to lead me….not my fear.

    I am so happy that you have broken free from this….I pray for many many blessings to you and your whole family.

  37. toi

    February 20th, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    i love this post so much. i am happy you were able to face your fears and i am sure this is the beginning of great things for you and your family

    all the best,

    toi

  38. emily anderson

    February 20th, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    i think the devil uses fear as one of the biggest tools in mothers' minds. it's debilitating at times. we have to trust in the lord in those moments, even more so than in any other moments.

  39. Katie Cook

    February 20th, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Casey:) I just started following and want you to know how much your real raw honesty touches me in the deepest of places. This year has been so so similar for me too, and I feel like for the first time in my life i'm facing some long time unhealthy ways of subconscious thinking head on, and Abba is transforming me. I've been keeping an art journal, and writing and painting and plodding all the ways i'm seeing my sin and unhealthiness and asking our savior to morph all those ashes into beauty. What a process, but I feel like i'm breathing new air for the first time in my life. and it is so good. Thank you for expressing the process so well. Much love and great hope, katie

  40. Heather @ Finding Beauty in the Ordinary

    February 20th, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    praise the Lord! He is good!

  41. Traci

    February 20th, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    fear has been a big part of my life as well and it's been a battle. But your teacher and friend is right. Thank you for posting about this. It's opening my eyes as well.

  42. Katie

    February 20th, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    I really, really needed this encouragement today, Casey.

    I've recently been more openly talking about spiritual warfare, and often hear a voice trying to silence me. A voice that says, "That's not real. People are going to think you're crazy." But I know whose voice that is, and it CERTAINLY is not the voice of God, but that of our enemy.

    Thank you for sharing.

  43. Raechel

    February 20th, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    Loved reading this from you today, Casey. So thankful God has placed you in a church and community of truth and healing!

    (also? the photos of apple are pretty adorable!)

  44. Ashley Joy

    February 20th, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Thanks for being raw.

    Living by faith is just that, and the human response to it can be fear.

    Thanks for sharing, and being authentic. Your children are blessed to have a woman of faith as a mom.

    Much love to you & your family.

  45. kristin

    February 20th, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    So wonderful, Casey. I find myself letting fear control me more often than not. :/ I love that quote from your classroom teacher. <3

  46. susanne evangelista

    February 20th, 2013 at 10:06 pm

    isn't it incredible what can happen when we obey God's little tugs on our heart?

  47. ilene @ muchloveilly

    February 21st, 2013 at 12:19 am

    fabulous post, friend. thanks for not be afraid of being real. love you!

  48. Monica

    February 21st, 2013 at 12:56 am

    I wish I could let go of fear. I feel like my outlook on life has changed too, but in the opposite way. When I had my miscarriage in November, it changed the way I see everything. It's like a Pandora's Box has been opened. I'm trying to work through it.

  49. Bethany@http://thislittleestate.blogspot.ca/

    February 21st, 2013 at 3:46 am

    Casey, this could have been me writing your words. It is a daily struggle for me to trust God and to let go and not fear, especially when it comes to my babies. Thank you for being so real and raw and sharing your struggles and triumphs. It truly pushes others to do so as well. Thank you.

  50. My name is Wendi.

    February 21st, 2013 at 5:06 pm

    Bravo, beautiful lady! It's so hard to do that. I'm in the same place now (of fear/faith) and trying desperately to overcome it. You have no idea how reading your posts about it have encouraged me in this time. Thank you for being brave enough to share!

  51. Torri Gray

    February 22nd, 2013 at 5:18 am

    I love the quote and it is one I will hold on to. However, the more I looked at it, the more it didn't make sense. Mutually exclusive means they are unable to both be true at the same time. If you say they are not mutually exclusive then you are saying they can both be true at the same time. In order for the quote to actually make the correct point, the not should be taken out.

    The quote should read:
    "When fear is controlling you, the spirit of God is not… Fear of the enemy and faith in God are mutually exclusive."

    I understood the meaning of it and then my husband pointed it out when I showed it to him. It's been bothering me ever since. 🙂 so, just thought I would share.

    Thank you for your heartfelt posts. They are always so beautiful and inspiring. 🙂

  52. kaylee@life chasers

    February 22nd, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    wow. exactly what i needed today.
    ps. apple is positively scrumptious.

  53. Jelli

    February 23rd, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    So glad you were able to liberate yourself from some of that fear. I find myself sometimes in the same place. When my husband's late coming home, I worry. If my baby sleeps an hour longer than the norm, I wonder… Hoping we are all able to give those concerns to God today.

  54. SH

    February 24th, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    This is a beautiful post – God is so good!

    Hope you had a great weekend!

    -Sheree
    The Hartungs Blog
    thehartungs.blogspot.ca

  55. Courtney

    February 24th, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    I feel like I could have written this post myself (not even close to as eloquently- but the general feeling of it). I have let the spirit of fear control my life for a long time, but we started a new church in April of 2012 and I took a semester long class on spiritual warfare and like you, it changed my life. So happy for you.

  56. Courtney

    February 24th, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    I feel like I could have written this post myself (not even close to as eloquently- but the general feeling of it). I have let the spirit of fear control my life for a long time, but we started a new church in April of 2012 and I took a semester long class on spiritual warfare and like you, it changed my life. So happy for you.

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