(I wrote this Friday night when I got home)
I saw Les Mis tonight and saying that my soul was moved is an understatement.
I yet again am overcome with gratitude for what Chris does, what artists do, what musicians do… and actresses, the list goes on. I can’t help but walk away from a movie like that and just praise Him for giving people the gifts that He has and for them to pursue them and it all come together like an orchestra to bless and move my soul.
Someone wrote a story and they told it- and there were moments that I felt like my whole life was changing through the tears in the movie theater tonight.
I am such a deep “feeler” that often times I have to protect a bit what comes my way. Movies and music and events can impact me greatly.
I carry stuff greatly.
Some people go through their entire life with minimal struggle. While others lose it all. Their hearts are shattered and they cry out to God daily just to make it another day.
I don’t know why that is. But the reality of that.
The reality is that it all can change in a moment.
I carry that.
I have struggled with fear since I was 3 years old. It is my daily battle.
And since becoming a mom, never in my life have I had to rely on Christ more.
Opening my hands, handing over these tiny souls that carry my heart in each of them. Some moments I can barely breathe. And others I am able to peacefully hand them over to God to carry for me.
I hadn’t stepped into a movie theater since the Colorado shootings. The first 20 minutes before the movie began my heart was racing, eyes staring at the exits, anxiety almost overtaking me. “Casey, this is fear. God take it from me. Rescue me.” As the thoughts flooded my mind, I sat there and realized that I am not my kid’s God. He is their God. If I am gone or if I am here, my prayer is that they seek after Him. I am not their God. Yes, their lives will look very different if I am no longer in it. But God loves them more than I do, I HAVE to rest in that.
Babies, if you are reading this someday- you are EVERYTHING and seeking after Him is the whole point. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s the whole purpose of our existence.
The anxiety subsides.
Then the movie begins and within the first hour the hot tears begin to stream. What is it about identifying with a mother and their overwhelming love for their child that can do that to us? I was thinking as I watched. I have absolutely nothing to complain about and absolutely EVERYTHING to be thankful for.
Gratefulness should ooze from my being.
Then there is the part of the story that anyone on this earth can identify with- the desire to be loved by their father. And I am not talking about our earthly dads (although most people do)…but I am talking about how we all have the opportunity to rest in the fact that our heavenly Father wants us. He is waiting. He desires to delight in us. Everything that any of us have ever wanted- He can fill that void. We must need Him and absolutely must cry out for it.
I have written a lot about open hands. How this too is a daily battle. These babies- I want to grip them tight with every fiber of who I am. I want to protect them. I want them never to be hurt. I want them never ever to be afraid. The list goes on. Daily I have to remember “they were never mine to lose.” My greatest fear. Yet…. God has entrusted them with me. Yet they are not mine to lose. They are His.
I want to be a different wife.
I actually tonight want to be a different blogger.
I want to be a better different person.
I am tired of playing the games of this world. I am not of this world, so I no longer should be impacted by it.
This movie shows grace upon grace upon grace- absolutely beautiful.