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feeling the hurt.

I couldn’t not post about this. 
My heart and spirit are broken today. 


The innocence in that Elementary School classroom today. The fear that was there. Babies calling for their mamas to help them, save them, protect them. And their parents far away. Unable to help.


It is honestly too much for my heart. There were moments today that I wanted to look away. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real and not face the pain. the hurt.


The truth is though, we need to face the reality of the world we live in. We need to connect with their pain. We need to remember that our days are few. We need to remember what is important. We need look at this world, at humanity and connect with the good. We need to build up, instead of tear down. We need to love. We need to meet people at their pain.


Most of the day today I just cried and held each one of my babies. Tonight I watched Aiden’s chest. Each time it would rise and fall. I soaked in Ainsleigh’s giggles. I rocked Apple longer than usual. I thought of the twenty empty tiny beds tonight. The presents under the tree, the lunchboxes that sit unopened.


I thought about holding on to this feeling.


Chris has been working on a time lapse video of New York. He took over 30,000 pictures and created an incredibly moving piece from it. I sobbed most of the day and then this evening he showed me his film. As I watched all the people, all the cars, the world moving and life passing by….I couldn’t help but think of not only the tragedy today but all those out in the world suffering.


Sex Trafficking
MisCarriage
Widows
Cancer
Death
Murder


You want to be light and fluffy and pretend that it isn’t happening. Well, it is happening. And we need more people there to help pick up the pieces.


This world is not heaven. It is a broken and awful place. The longer I live here the deeper my longing is to be in heaven. I long for the day my babies are safe in heaven with me. Away from the hurt. Away from the evil.


It’s hard sometimes to be moved. To let your soul move. To let your heart hurt.


Watch this video and think about all the hurt. 
And with the hurt the deep beauty in humanity as well.
The good.
The people who seek to help the lost.
Humanity. All of us. Finding our way on this crazy journey.
Trying to make sense of it all.


I rest in the peace today that someday it will all be sorted out.

Motherhood

December 15, 2012

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  1. Poor Pitiful Pearl

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:31 am

    Beautifully written Casey. its hard to not sink into a depression with this stuff… trying to remember the JOy of the Lord is my strength… when i literally have no strength.

    🙁 praying for the families… so incredibly sad.

  2. Lindsay

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:35 am

    This is beautiful Casey! Heaven is our final destination and until then we need to come together and help those suffering. Love you girl. And love your heart.

  3. Anonymous

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:36 am

    Beautiful post! The video by Chris is stunning and so perfect with your post on a day like today. Xoxo

  4. Rachel

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:37 am

    Such good and hard words to read. The video is beautiful.

  5. toi

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:43 am

    how can i not cry with this song and your words. they tear my heart and soul apart. they force me to face the truth about how this world is damned. it's so cruel and every single year there is a crazy person out there ready to claim the life of innocent people. "empty tiny beds… presents under the tree, the lunchboxes …unopened." oh god, this world is too cruel to bear.

    these are the actions that forces one to not trust in humanity.

    there was a time i long to be in heaven and didn't even want to have a child for preventing her from suffering.

    as i write one of my friends has her child suffering from leukemia. all the pain they are going through and we can't do anything but pray…

    god, this is too hard to bear. i need to share this post.

  6. Miranda

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:44 am

    This has been a hard week at our house – a young girl from our church killed herself and her body was found in a pond near her home. My husband is the pastor and has to prepare a sermon for her service tomorrow. And then the news of this shooting today – these poor, defenseless children – babies – who were taken away from their parents so young- it's almost been too much to bear. Our house has been somber and filled with sadness all week and I struggle to find the balance between honoring and mourning the tragedies and cherishing the beauty around me.

    Sometimes I feel like it is getting harder and harder to see the good. It's nice to have reminders.

  7. Kym

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:48 am

    Casey, your thoughts are beautiful. You gave me goosebumps. God bless you and your children. xoxo

  8. Franchesca

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:48 am

    I've been feeling the hurt too. shaky. I keep thinking about those Christmas gifts too… makes me long for Heaven so much more. It makes me afraid for the world our babies will grow up in.

  9. Mawiyah

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:48 am

    Beautiful – yes I couldn't NOT post about this as well. One day we will all see clearly and it will all make sense… Until then, let's hold on to hope…

    http://www.packingrainbows.com

  10. Ali Rockwell

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:50 am

    I can't even tell you how many times I broke down into tears today and gave my sweet little girl a hug and kiss. This world is such a scary place. I so wish we could all just jump forward to when we are in Heaven. To be at peace with all of your loved ones, and to only know Joy. My heart is absolutely broken for all of those families…

  11. Jody

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:52 am

    Yes. That hurt…the pain…the reality that it could be any of us. I am proof of the hurt too, and the randomness of death and evil. I wept today, knowing full well what the empty arms feel like. I wept as I thought back to the morning I tied a bow into my little girl's hair and gave her a hug and saw her face light up with a smile, all without a clue that it would be the last time I would do so. I wept, because I didn't know. But how can any of us know? How can any of us picture horror so great that it takes the life of others? How could I know that I should have hugged her and never let go? I couldn't. And we can't live that way. It isn't possible, or reasonable. But we can do something. We don't have to live lives paralyzed by fear. We can love when we feel broken. We can dig deep and give more when we are feeling empty. We can dance even when no music is playing. We can shed tears and ache even while saying, "I love you" or I'm sorry." We can be hurt and broken and confused and sorrowing. But we don't have to be lost or without Hope. This kind of horror and pain can drive us to live with a certain purpose that our daily routines often cause us to lose sight of. Even me- a mom who lived every parent's worst nightmare, can take this opportunity to do better, love more freely, let go of the little stuff, savor the here and now, be drawn closer to the God of all comfort and Hope. I don't know that there are any answers to life's unimaginable pains, but I do know that God can redeem the hurt and bring joy from sorrow and turn mourning into dancing. I know that because I have experienced it firsthand. He restores and makes all things new. I long for Heaven so many times too. I know His heart is infinitely more broken than mine. I know He is good and faithful and true to His promises. His promise of Heaven has made my heartache bearable. I am praying those touched by pain and grief and loss and despair will feel His touch too. All around the world. My heart beats with yours tonight, Casey. Love and prayers for light to shine into darkness…always. xo

  12. TerinAleah

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:54 am

    I couldn't agree more. I am truly broken. 🙁

  13. Carly @ Texas Lovebirds

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:57 am

    I agree that we have to feel the hurt, because sometimes I get too comfortable here…I feel too at ease…I feel too at home and this pain, this terror is just a reminder that He has a better place for us all.

    xo,
    Carly

  14. Dennis and Stephanie

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:04 am

    What an incredible video! Such perfect, sweet words! Thankful for a heaven and a future without hurt and pain!

  15. Jessica @ jessicaNdesigns

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:05 am

    Such a beautifully written post Casey! I just don't know where to start. I too ran out to greet my 6 yr old when she got home from school today grieving for those 20 parents who don't have that opportunity any more. My heart breaks for them, my soul hurts. I can not imagine the horror they are going through, but this world is broken. It is a sinful, evil place. But there is goodness here too. We need to shower love and prayers and goodness on those affected. It is days like these I too long for Jesus to come back and take us all away from this hurt. Much love! xoxo

  16. Drea

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:05 am

    So well written … Thanks you!

  17. Hailey

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:10 am

    love this casey. we long for a new heaven and earth!

  18. Natalia Lynn

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:11 am

    It is so sad. It makes me sick. I honestly fight not wanting to believe it at all because it's so awful. And we live in a sinful world full of hate where the ruler of this world is satan. It won't be better until Christ comes again. And like you said each day I live here is a day closer to heaven. I ache for those who are dealing with the loss. Definitely praying for the families involved. And lovely video by Chris. He's talented.

    Oh and I wrote you this morning before I heard of everything that happen. So sorry if it came at such a bad time!

  19. TwoThirtyFiveDesigns

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:21 am

    Oh sweet Casey….this is so very well put.

    After our past few weeks, I felt numbness today and couldn't stand to watch it, which isn't my norm. Its hurts too much, but you are right. We need to face this.
    And trying to explain as my kids asked about it, is just so hard.

    We are broken, but will continue to pray and pray.

  20. Kerry

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:37 am

    first, may i say that is one amazing video! he did that in the short time you were here?! fantastic. i feel like he really captured this here little city i get to live in. second, i feel this hurt. today's news raced through all of us, though i can't imagine having a child and hearing it. aside from mega reform on gun control policy, i think our country needs to talk about mental illness. openly. loudly. without shame. i think there needs to be a new way to approach being human, loving, sharing, being kind, all the way from when kids are very small. maybe those things can help ensure this never happens again.

  21. Brittany

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:55 am

    thank you. thank you for writing this. <3

  22. Leslie @ top of the page

    December 15th, 2012 at 4:03 am

    Perfectly stated. Thanks for sharing your heart and the thoughts that we are all having. It's soothing to see them in black and white. Come, Lord Jesus, come.

  23. Monica

    December 15th, 2012 at 4:14 am

    Thank you so much for sharing what so many of us are feeling – the depth of the hurt that I feel is horrific – yet incomparable to those who have lost life today. I am a newish reader to your beautiful platform and also a mama of two living in NYC. I appreciate the beautiful video that your husband created, it speaks to the pace that so much of this city moves it – but it mostly speaks to the lightening speed that I know New Yorkers to band together in when needed. My deepest prayers are with all those suffering. xx – Monica

  24. Nicole

    December 15th, 2012 at 4:15 am

    Beautifully said girl. The video is beyond amazing. I watch today as the whole ordeal unfolded. I even called my mom to inform her although it wasn't necessary. I can only wish and hope for peace for everyone because I know I can't nor anything could ever take their pain away. I broke into tears when a news reporter stated children were saying 'I only want Christmas. I don't want to die. I only want Christmas.' 20 broken families and friends. 6 other lives were taken too, their families are broken. All those other children and adults who had to witness everything.

    I wish it on no one and will never comprehend why. I wish to never believe but we live in a cruel world. Take it easy and hold your babies extra tight.

  25. Leah

    December 15th, 2012 at 4:37 am

    I just loved the video, Casey. Christ did an amazing job. My heart is broken as well. I can't imagine… Thank you for taking the time to write such beautiful and thoughtful words. I'm so thankful for the family God has blessed me with, especially today. I want to hold them tight and protect them from everything bad in the world. I'm also thankful that this world is not our home, that's why Heaven will be so very wonderful. Hugs to you, my friend.

  26. Carlie Hendrick

    December 15th, 2012 at 4:54 am

    I just truly cannot even imagine the pain that these parents are going through.

    I just want to hug, each one of them and let them know how loved and honored they truly are.

    The beautiful thing is that who knows what God is going to do, what blessings he will bring and what love he will out pour on these hurting people.

    God Bless them.

  27. Anonymous

    December 15th, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Beautiful video, very moving after having read your post. And an excellent choice of music to go with. Very impressive.

  28. ZADIN

    December 15th, 2012 at 11:09 am

    This is a very sad moment and my heart goes to all the souls that were lost in this tragedy.

    What is life… what are we… just dust in the wind…

  29. Cathy

    December 15th, 2012 at 11:58 am

    So very thankful for you and your blog. You and your husband are amazingly gifted and talented!

  30. katie_shannon

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    I was just going through my blogs and wondering why no one was talking about this sharing, I was actually getting angry. I needed someone to put it into wording how I couldn't and you did just that. Thank you. It's so true, so much hurt.

  31. Anonymous

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    you really do have a beautiful, sensitive soul. I also spent the whole day crying. I took my girls out for ice cream. I savored every second with them, every conversation, every laugh. My daughter is 4 – just a year younger than most of the children that were killed. I can't imagine how painful it is… the way i feel about my 4 year old – to have that taken from them.

  32. Anonymous

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Amen.

    I also rest in peace knowing someday it will be sorted out. And knowing God's love for us is what helps bring me peace. Thanks for sharing Casey.

    Sending hugs to you and your sensitive heart, from my sensitive heart.

    Barb

  33. Clancy

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    what a beautiful time-lapse! Thanks for not ignoring yesterday's tragedy. You put into words what so many people are thinking today.

  34. Clancy

    December 15th, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    what a beautiful time-lapse. and thank you for not ignoring yesterday's tragedy. you put into words what so many people are thinking…

  35. Sophie

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Beautiful.

  36. Jessica

    December 15th, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    beautiful post. you have such a beautiful and elegant way with words.

  37. Amy Robertson

    December 15th, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Thank you for writing about this. I have great respect for you – for acknowledging it on your blog – and even though I am not a Christian, or religious in any sense of the word, I, too, believe that we have to face the hurt, and meet people where they are at, and not turn a blind eye in favor of our own somewhat unshattered lives.

    What happened yesterday was unspeakably horrible. I don't kow what else to say, but yes, our days are few. I feel so much pain for everyone involved, especially the parents and children who lost loved ones.

  38. Anonymous

    December 15th, 2012 at 9:29 pm

    It's an unimaginable thing to conceive. We are not safe. There will be no healing….there will be no moving forward…these people have lost their babies…to a monster. I don't want to hear about Heaven and God when something like this happens. I suppose I am selfish In wanting my children close to me until I die. If I lost one of my children…It would be a dark, black hole I would dwell in. No light at the end of any tunnel. The video was amazing, and the music was haunting and beautiful.

  39. Kirithinks

    December 16th, 2012 at 1:25 am

    that video is astounding. & the words that you posted made it that much more beautiful. how grateful I am to live in a world where, though there are tragedies, beauty will never cease.

    Thank you for posting this.

  40. the Jennings secede from the South

    December 16th, 2012 at 3:15 am

    Chris's video is amazing. WOW.

  41. BethB

    December 16th, 2012 at 4:38 am

    Casey, my husband and I sat next to your husband flying from New York to Houston. We enjoyed talking to him so much and being a retired public school art teacher, I was especially interested in hearing about your art business for children! Chris gave me his business card and I found your amazing blog! He also showed us a bit of his time-lapsed video that you posted! Our son also graduated from Baylor in 2002. From our short conversation, I could tell that Chris is a man that loves God, his children, and his wife! It was a pleasure visiting with such an outstanding Christian young man and I hope God blesses your family abundantly!
    Beth and Gary Bierhalter. Montgomery, Tx.

  42. BethB

    December 16th, 2012 at 4:39 am

    Casey, my husband and I sat next to your husband flying from New York to Houston. We enjoyed talking to him so much and being a retired public school art teacher, I was especially interested in hearing about your art business for children! Chris gave me his business card and I found your amazing blog! He also showed us a bit of his time-lapsed video that you posted! Our son also graduated from Baylor in 2002. From our short conversation, I could tell that Chris is a man that loves God, his children, and his wife! It was a pleasure visiting with such an outstanding Christian young man and I hope God blesses your family abundantly!
    Beth and Gary Bierhalter. Montgomery, Tx.

  43. Sara

    December 16th, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Many, many prayers for the families in CT. Thank you for sharing what so many of us are feeling.

  44. dalima26

    December 16th, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    When I read it on the news I was getting ready to go to bed(here it was around 11.30pm), and I was totally shocked and very saddened. My little babies were in bed sound asleep and wanted to go and hug them for a little while just to let them know that I was there..Then to think that 20 families will never have that again with their lost ones. Its so sad to see people (well if we can call them that) who have the heart and courage to do such an awful thing! It just disgusts me! Why do we need to have hatred and killings and innocent people that are taken away from us so soon. I could not stop thinking about those families that had lost a loved one of Friday, my thoughts and prayers go out to them…P.S. Amazing short film!..xx

  45. Renee

    December 16th, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    Exceptionally well said. And the time-lapse video is amazing as well! Thanks for sharing!

  46. Lindsay

    December 17th, 2012 at 1:20 am

    That movie was beautiful… thank you for sharing.

  47. Lindsay

    December 17th, 2012 at 1:21 am

    That video was beautiful… thank you for sharing.

  48. Carrie

    December 17th, 2012 at 3:18 am

    The video is absolutely amazing. As a New Yorker, I see the constant go-go-go that envelopes this city. I see people turn into themselves when they move here, somewhat unmoved by what they see. The video paired with the music definitely embodies this area that so desperately needs LOVE.

  49. Shippe

    December 17th, 2012 at 3:34 am

    I saw this on another blog and it helped me a lot:
    you must not lose faith in humanity. humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. -gandhi

  50. Erin Campbell

    December 17th, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Beautiful Casey. That video is incredible. What a talent God has given Chris. Thank you for sharing this.

    xoxo
    Erin
    readeatcreate.com

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