I don’t have the words right now, I just had a moment where I stood in the shower and let a week of tears that have slowly been building overflow from my soul.
They just kept coming and coming and coming.
On Tuesday, the day of Apple’s birth, we were robbed. It’s a long story.
Then on Saturday we left the hospital without our sweet Apple. Normally when I am feeling emotional or weepy, I would write but I am feeling a bit vulnerable today. So at first I held back and was at a block…now I am just trying to get this all out.
Leaving without her was just like I remembered…..awful.
We got home and when the kids were dropped off they both were throwing up, coughing and extremely lethargic. We decided to tag.team…I would take Aiden and Chris would take care of Ainsleigh. I had a c.section so I don’t have the ability to lift or hold them which makes this tricky. Plus, I am vulnerable for infection and really don’t want to transport any sort of illness to Apple in the NICU.
Unfortunately our sweet Apple, just like Aiden & Ains, is having trouble breathing on her own right now. She is on cPAP and feeding tubes but is making good progress. Weight really doesn’t mean much in our case because she is a great weight. All three of my kiddos were healthy weights but struggled to breathe on their own when they were born.
Both kids were up the entire night throwing up. My mother in law picked me up early so that I could head to the NICU- I wanted to see & hold Apple and needed to drop off all of the milk that I had for her. (from pumping). By the time we finished there Chris said that we needed to head to Children’s Hospital with Aiden and Ainsleigh. He spoke to our pediatrician and she told us to head right over.
After lots of tests and talking to various doctors, we were told that they had the same virus but that it had triggered a horrible asthma attack in Aiden. We have a nebulizer machine at home for Aiden’s severe asthma and had been doing his treatments all night, even after those and the treatments at the hospital- his oxygen was still dangerously low. They decided Ainsleigh could be released and Aiden needed to be admitted. Everything is sort of a blur. Aiden was incredibly upset and wanted me to stay- which is triggering an onslaught of tears right now. He kept saying things to the doctor like “please fix me so I can go home.”
My mama heart was shattered today.
over and over.
And I feel helpless.
My mother in law, Ainsleigh and I left Chris & Aiden at the hospital. Ainsleigh is still sick and needed to get home. I am still pumping every 3 hours, on pain meds from the surgery and can’t lift or hold the kids so tonight we will be here (ainsleigh, marilyn and I)….then in the morning I will first get dropped off to see Apple and leave milk with the NICU, then I will be picked up (not allowed to drive after c section) and dropped off over at Children’s to be with Aiden (and Chris).
Thank you so much for all the sweet words and love sent our way.
It really means a lot to me.
I know that this too shall pass….When I focus on the positive- I am thankful for three sweet kiddos, I am thankful for Chris- words don’t do him justice, I am thankful that we met our insurance deductible, I am thankful that my milk has just poured in because of all of these emotions etc, I am thankful for help & support when times are hard and all of the people that are there for us….. I am writing this without editing it so this post could just be an ongoing string of words and emotions- thank you for listening:) and thank you for the prayers and good vibes….we need all we can get right now.