When I was about 4 years old we had a babysitter come over (who had watched me many many times before…always had been wonderful). Well this particular night as she was putting me to bed she decided to tell me a story about a man that came into children’s homes and would slaughter them and/or steal them.
Did your jaw just drop?
Who does that??
Anyways, I had never ever been exposed to anything like that before (obviously) and to say it traumatized me is a massive understatement. For the next 10 years until after my 8th grade summer I had horrible nightmares, I was paralyzed with fear. It did something to me in my mind that was completely irrational and crazy.
My room was upstairs so I would sit at the top of the stairs all night until I was so tired I would finally just fall asleep on the steps. I can remember at dinner time when the sun would start to set getting the sickest feeling in my stomach…knowing the night was about to come- and how long the nights were.
One of the last nights we were in California I was holding Ains and rocking her to sleep thinking about this. It occurred to me- our kids have never once gone to sleep crying, alone or afraid. Maybe it’s because I never want them to experience the sadness I felt being so afraid, maybe it’s because it’s just my personality/our beliefs or maybe it’s because of everything we learned when they were in the NICU.
But I was thinking they always fall asleep safe in our arms and then wake up in their own beds. No crying, no fear, no sadness.
Thinking about them being alone or afraid makes my tummy turn.
Thinking about them ever in a place where they are afraid or sad and I am not there to protect them, truly is almost too much for me to think about.
I have talked a lot about open hands…trying to be better in this area.
“When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don’t think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold relationships with open hands, then people come in and out of your life as gifts of grace to be cherished and enjoyed, not objects to be owned and manipulated. And then when you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small.”- from my FAVORITE book A Beautiful Offering.
There are moments I just want to lock us all up in our house where we are safe and never leave
….but I just have to trust…
I have to let them experience life,
I have to let them soar….
I can’t let my fear get in the way.