Today there was a hurtful finality to our loss. The little baby with no heartbeat was still with me until noon today and now he/she is gone. A lot of how I am feeling and what I have to say is very raw and very real.
Being honest yesterday even with some tears I felt like I needed to be strong. I thought I can’t be sad…I have so much to be thankful for and people have suffered many losses like this before…Casey be strong. My mind is able to have good perspective, I know that I am blessed with 2 beautiful babies, I know we have never suffered a miscarriage before or dealt with any kind of infertility but the truth is…
I woke up today hurt, heartbroken, sad, empty.
I decided today I dont care if anyone out there in the world thinks it is silly that I am sad, devastated, heartbroken over this loss- because I need to be real about how I feel.
I looked at a baby that looked just like Aiden and Ainseigh at 3 months…and I know it would have grown up to look just like them and love me the way they do….and that little person is gone. It’s strange having a loss after having two children because I naturally imagine it looking and acting very similar to them…
it had such a reality to it.
God is so good and does wrap us up in these times of heartache… and I trust with my soul that He has a plan. But it doesn’t soften the hurt. I was uneasy all morning with a huge lump in my throat. I have to say thank you so much for loving me well. I had flowers and meals on my doorstep, constant emails/texts/calls all morning….I am blessed to have such love in my life.
My doctor is a beautiful soul…her nurses and staff truly are like family to me. They have walked through some hard hard things in my personal life along side with me as well as 2 rough starts. She cried along with us today. She answered all my questions. I am sensitive soul- I take great care and respect to the little life that I had started in me and I wanted to make sure that afterwards, even so small, it was respected greatly.
I miss the dreams we had for this child, I miss being pregnant, I just miss this baby.
This baby that we named Addison.
It made me feel better to give him/her a name…to think about the day I reach heaven he/she will be standing there, I will instantly know who he/she is and wrap my hands around so tight.
I love you sweet Addison. I am so sorry I was unable to have time with you here on earth… I don’t know or understand, but I love you just the same. Mama is coming someday and we will be together again.
I love you sweet baby. so so very much.
“And the cup He brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.”
Lullaby ~ Andrew Peterson
Well, I haven’t got a lot to offer
Just a rhyme and a melody
But I promised I’d write if it took all night
A lullaby for thee
They say there ain’t no sleeping in heaven
But baby that don’t mean that you can’t dream
So when you close your eyes
Know your mother and I
Pray the Lord your little soul to keep
And we never got a chance to hold you
And we never got to tell you goodnight
So we hope you can hear as Jesus cradles you near
Baby, this is your lullaby
So, are you running with the angels?
Are you singing with the saints?
Are you throwing a ball against a heavenly wall
Maybe swinging on the pearly gates?
Well there’s so much love between us
And so much that I want to say
I want to ramble a while with my beautiful child
Baby, I can hardly wait