Okay, so before you read this…I had NO idea someone already does a confessions link up?!? I had never seen it before SOO lets change it to “on your heart” link up….
I am going to start something.
I usually have blog post commitment issues. So I havent yet decided if we should make this a weekly deal, like every Friday. (thoughts?!) But from the responses on the surveys (which thank you thank you for doing that, SO sweet) a lot of you like when I get vulnerable (and what I.w. wednesdays, who knew?!) . And I’ll be honest, I like being vulnerable…so it’s a good match.
So my thought. What about a weekly link up called….
Weekly I can confess what is going on in my heart. Deep thoughts. Where I feel vulnerable. And you can do the same, if you want.
We can take a moment each week to
celebrate the hurt, the mess and find the beauty in it.
(Or you can just read mine!)
So maybe every Friday? Will you join me?
I will start today.
Aiden had another scary time with asthma this week. In those moments with the doctors as I walk down the long hospital halls my mind can only help but wander to those children who have
grown up in hospital gowns.
The parents whom watch their littles suffer daily.
Those parents who have buried their littles.
It’s too much.
A chill up my spine to even write out…..tiny coffins.
Oh how I can feel the anxiety rise as my thoughts even for a moment go there.
You see, my family is in a weird place financially. And people are always asking me why I am not scared/upset/etc. Asking if it effects my marriage.
If I am stressed.
I am not joking that my response is
So what if I lose those things.
Because that is not where my heart is. If I lose my home, my cars, everything I own….
I literally could care less.
But my husband, my kids
that is a different story.
THAT terrifies me. I sometimes catch myself saying…..
“Jesus, please not them. I can take anything….but not losing them. Not seeing them suffer.”
Still desperately begging this for my life. I have said before when it comes to money….it is one of the things Chris & I have never argued about (we argue about other things….this just isn’t one of them).
We see money the same way. It won’t define us. It won’t decide how many kids we have, if we should follow our dreams or not.
If God calls something on our life He will provide.
But that isn’t the issue in my heart. It’s holding on to those I love so tightly.
I am terrified to let them go, to hold them open.
I learned the hard way how to let others love my kids well. How to share my family. But now I am learning how to let God play out the plans for their lives….with open hands.
and for those who have asked about our little A….