Today I was thinking about this space and this little blog and realized that sometimes, maybe moreso in the last year, I have let this space be a place of deep thoughts and processing and pictures but a little less of the silly in between stories. I have fallen victim to the “does anyone really care if…” and realized today what a loss that is. What a loss that is for this blog. Because the little moments, the silly inbetweens are good. I mean, this space started for me. and whether anyone wants to read them or not, ya know….they need to come back here. I want them here. I want to have written down about how Ainsleigh doesn’t know when is the right time to say “I forgive you.” It’s the cutest/greatest ever. She will knock something over and say…” oh no! Im so sorry! Mom, it’s okay…I forgive you!” ahhh, so cute! I can’t ever correct her!
And how today I got my haircut and realized that Mickey, my dear friend and hairdresser, has been doing my hair since I was 14 years old. That is 16 years. Every 5 weeks for 16 years I have sat in his chair…through life changes, breakups, proms, college graduations, marriage, 3 babies, loss, crazy life decisions. He has been there through it all. It’s amazing because every time I sit in his chair we start with small talk and somehow end up talking of faith and heaven and life and all the heavy stuff. He means so much to me and knows me so well and I want to remember all of that here!
How on Valentine’s day night Chris and I ate Panda Express in the mall and saw Frozen and as sad as that could sound it was like my dream date. I love kid movies, I love mall food (also put ballpark food in this category), I love a big buttery popcorn and a night with my guy.
I want to write about how I am falling in love with photography and how the same girl who is afraid to leave her babies to run to the grocery store or a date night has been asked to go to Africa twice in the past 6 months…took a leap both times ready to say yes and both have fallen through. And here’s the kicker…I actually have been heartbroken over this. I found myself driving today actually aching to be missing out on this trip this summer. I’m thinking…I am terrified of planes and leaving my kids and yet….yet I am aching to be missing this. God must be moving in me, changing me, stirring me….something is happening here with this. He is planting new desires in my heart. There is more to this than I probably can even see at this point.
How I feel torn sometimes. Between wanting to be here…the same girl I have always been and allowing myself to change and be someone new. Torn between wanting to take bigger leaps like traveling the world and taking photos in amazing places and pushing myself to do things that move my soul in unimaginable ways…and staying safe in the shell I have been in for so long.
There are so many random things…and in a way, I don’t always know where they fit here. Buy I want them to…even if they don’t flow well or seem like a jumble, mess of thoughts…I think they need a spot. The in-betweens. So I guess I am going to push myself to do just that. Write more of the random stuff, more of the day to day and worry less about who is reading or caring and sharing more of just me.
Cheers to you random thoughts, I have missed you.