Riding up the elevator in the church parking garage Aiden’s eyes started to well up with tears last Sunday.
“Oh no, please no- my heart cant take it….please don’t cry Aiden” is what I was thinking.
Not to mention his big blue eyes, when they get red(and heavy) and filled with tears- it’s just about the most heartbreaking thing ever.
Have you seen these eyes?
I knelt down- “Aiden please don’t be sad…itll be so fun and it’s for such a short time and you know mommy & daddy will be right back. Then you can be with us all day and we will do all sorts of cuddling and fun things.”
He wasn’t buying it.
The lump in my throat was forming.
We got the kids signed in, walked them down to their rooms. In typical Ainsleigh fashion she skipped into her classroom smiling, barely even looked back. Then we walked down to Aiden’s room.
By the time Chris and I got down to the service and sat in our seat my eyes were completely filled with tears.
You know those moments where you dont want to blink because the tears will just flow over, you dont want to speak because your biting your lip to keep it from quivering and your doing everything in your power to make the massive lump in your throat go away.
Chris looked at me about 5 minutes in and smiled- he knows me well… he said “I’ll go check on him”.
Im sitting there thinking...okay, Casey- there are little children without parents, children with cancer, there are wars going on….seriously your Aiden will be fine in church for 2 hours without you.
Well he was fine…. I was fine- all was okay. But it had me thinking about so many things.
Why am I so emotional?
Why am I so so sensitive?
Do other moms do this?
also, gentleness. One thing I know that our kiddos are given by us is gentleness. That is what they are used to.
It makes me all nervous that not everyone they will come in contact with will be soft with their hearts.
Actually knowing that not everyone they come in contact with will be.
Next up: fear, you know when Aiden was teeny tiny and had just started smiling for the first time, Chris and I would sing Michael Buble’s “everything” to him and he would smile and laugh like crazy. We would put it on full blast at the studio and dance around all silly while our little guy burst out in his very first laughs.
Aiden still sleeps in our room most nights.
I used to feel all defensive and judged by this. Now I don’t care what anyone says.
Not in a rude way, I just know what is best for us, ya know? I can rest in that now.
At some point in the night he always winds up back right next to me, even if he starts out in his own bed. You can read an old post about all that here– but Friday night Chris and I got back late from a date night and Aiden was up waiting for us. We all went in the master bedroom & somehow wound up putting on Michael Buble’s “everything” at almost midnight and recreated the scene of 3 yrs before- Aiden smiling and laughing and so full of love and joy. Just laughing so hard at us being silly with him.
That’s what it’s about for me.
For whatever reason I’ve battled fear my whole life.
Fear of loss, Fear of people, Fear of
Even as a little girl I had major issues with this.
(I wrote another post about that here.)
Why not live this one and only life like this?
We only get one.
It makes me so so happy that at midnight we had our boy in our room- singing to him. He knows he is safe and loved. No fear.
It also had me thinking on God and how much He loves us. Being a mom has helped me realize and somewhat start to understand God’s love for me, how big it really is.