Psalm 139: 13-14
” For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”
Where do I begin? This week has changed Chris and I’s lives forever and always. We now have the most precious baby boy and know for the first time what it feels like to love something so instantly and unconditionally that it is almost painful. It is so scary to love something so much. Saturday night around 2 am I started having intense back labor and by 10 am Sunday morning I was in full labor at the hospital. The day progressed and we became more and more anxious for our little guy to be out into the world. For almost ten months we have talked about him and prayed for him and now we are just hours away from holding him in our arms. The decision was made late Sunday night to take him out by c-section due to the fact that our little Aiden was stuck in my pelvic bone. At 11:32 On Sunday March 22 our little miracle came into the world. I am already an extremely sensitive and emotional person and from the moment I saw him the deepest love I have ever felt flooded through every part of me. Due to a number of issues they decided Sunday night that Aiden needed to be admitted into the NICU at Baylor Hospital. Aiden was born with head bruising and trauma due to his tough labor, under-developed lungs, a fever due to my fever at the time of delivery and eventually developed jaundice. There are no words to describe the painful separation that Chris and I feel for our child. I just want to pick him up when he cries :(. Also, to see your little one covered in wires and frustrated when you have no control of the situation is heart wrenching. There have been countless nurses that have been tender with us and touched our hearts in ways that could never be described. They have such a gentle way of dealing with us which has meant the world to me. I have also fallen more in love with Chris than I even thought was possible through this experience. It has given us a new level of reliance on each other emotionally and created a bond that is indescribable. He has been my rock all week.
This was an email that Chris sent to our family as an update..,Yesterday we found out that Aiden has a little more jaundice than before so they placed him under light treatments. When he is in his crib they have powerful spotlights on him and they rotate him so his back and front are both treated. Jaundice is when his red blood cells that die off do not get processed by his little liver and remain in his body. It makes him turn yellow-ie orange. We also started doing something this week called “kangaroo kare”. This is our favorite time of the day. It is when we have skin to skin contact with him for over an hour. When we are doing kangaroo care his heartrate is good and his breathing slows down to where they want it… between 30-50 (breaths per minute). His breathing rate has been between 60-80 breaths per minute. Which is high. His oxygen saturation needs to be in the 90’s (90% at least) before he leaves and it’s between 40-70%. When Chris or I hold him to our chests his oxygen sat goes to 90-95%. His respitory problem was explained to us better this morning… Our lungs are like clusters of grapes… Each “grape” is holding air. As we breathe we fill these “grapes” with air and it is released into our body. As oxygen is released into our bodies… The clusters of “grapes” squeeze together very tight and compact together. Our bodies make a liquid called surfactant which lubricates these “grapes” of air so they are able to inflate again as we inhale our next breath without sticking together. Aiden wasn’t producing surfactant (which is common with the underdeveloped lungs in early babies) so his grapes would stick together and not inflate. When he was born he would make little grunting noises which sounded sweet to us but was his attempt to not let his “grapes” completely deflate because his body knew if the deflated they would stick together and collapse. The grunts made his “grapes” always hold a little air. The CPAP machine (ventalator) is pressurizing his lungs so they stay filled and never let his grapes deflate. It makes it easier for him to take breaths and gives his body enough oxygen to help his lungs mature. So that’s what his main issues are. We also found out yesterday that babies can smell mamma’s milk from 30 feet away. So Aiden knows when I walk in the door. Another reason why it’s important for us to be with him as much as we can. From the beginning Aiden rejected all formula which selfishly made me feel really special and needed. I actually felt like I had one way I could help him! Aiden got taken off of his cpap yesterday which made me weep with joy because he HATED that being in his nose. They switched him to a nasal cannula and he has been progressing well with that.
It’s amazing how instantly God can change your heart. Chris and I have had countless conversations about how we don’t care about the same things that we did a week ago. It’s funny how that works. I have thought so much this week about our purpose here on earth. God loves us so unconditionally and to think about how much he already loves our little Aiden is breath taking. How can you ever truly return God’s love to us with our lives? A dear friend of mine wrote me this week saying that God is just making the joys of parenthood sweeter for us by introducing us to the heartache early. She said each anxiety we experience produces a greater appreciation for the wonderment that precious children bring into our lives. A lot of parents think it is their job to smother their children, do everything for them, make sure everything is okay. But in reality we have to prepare them to go out into the world and be strong on their own. They are born within the circle of God’s protection and blessing. Our job is to make them feel loved and to ensure they have a relationship with their Creator. Some parents hold on so tight to their children that it is selfishly for their own desires, when in reality the best thing for them is to let their wings fly. It is such a hard lesson. Letting little Aiden grown and preparing him to be a man will be a lot of his daddy’s job and it will be hard to step back and love him enough to let him go. I will write more soon. Thank you for all of your prayers and encouragement. We love you all. -Casey